Confusion, love, misunderstanding and ultimately acceptance are often at the heart of any family relationship, and while the story of Tobi, a ‘typical’ 16-year-old keen for the end of school and desperate to take fresh steps on life’s journey may reflect what happens everywhere around the world, the fact that he is transgender and just wants his family to support his tentative steps, gives this gently compassionate film a real emotional resonance.
The film screens in the Bodies programme of BFI Flare: London LGBTIQ+ Film Festival running until March 28.
Tobi’s hard-working parents live in a small village in Hungary, and while Tobi can’t wait to finish college and find a different pace of life in Budapest he has struggles with his gender identity and also in getting his mother Éva to truly understand who he is and what he wants. Their brittle yet ultimately loving relationship is at the tender heart of Alexa Bakony’s film, which sees the director become part of the family as they face challenges, emotions and opportunities.
The film opens with home video footage of Éva cradling her little baby just after having given birth. She says to the camera: “Such a nice mouth like her sister…so you are actually a girl.” Moving forward 16 years and Éva and her husband Zoltán struggle to use the correct terminology, and yet are keen to support Tobi, even taking part in a Pride march in Budapest.
As Tobi turns 18 all the family gather at their small home in the village. Banners are put up, cake is eaten and Tobi gamely wears a white Fedora hat with 18th birthday stickers around it, but when his mother accidentally says the name Jazmin (the name he was given at birth) tears flow and Tobi has to leave the room. Éva struggles to respond as Tobi needs her to, but her older brother also says of Tobi: “I feel he doesn’t understand us.”
That understanding and appreciation is a slow process, but Éva is always there for Tobi – passing on news that the state will let him change gender; alongside him as he visits a doctor to discuss medical processes, issues and side-effects; helping dye Tobi’s hair (the film’s title can refer to Tobi’s variety of hair colours as well as to how Tobi is changing as a person) and helping decorate a new apartment in the city for Tobi. Against the backdrop of an increasingly conservative Hungary where trans rights are being stripped back, Tobi’s parents continue to do their honest best to support him.
Having come out once as male in his mid-teens, Tobi later shifts towards a non-binary identity, and while Éva again struggles initially to get her head around the concept there is never any doubt about the underlying love this ordinary family have for their child. They talk, they cry, they hug and they try and find ways to keep on understanding each other.
Alexa Bakony’s filmmaking style is very much about immersing herself into the family, with trust clearly at the core of the process, which saw her filming over a four-year period. The style is appropriately understated, but still leaves room for nuance, conflict and a certain drama. The emotional dynamics between Tobi and his mother may well go back and forth, but seeing them both grow is a warm-hearted pleasure, with the film a gentle rallying call for family love.
Hungary, 2021, 81mins
Dir: Alexa Bakony
Production: Filmfabriq Ltd
International sales: NFI World Sales
Producers: Gábor Osváth, Ildikó Szűcs
Written by: Alexa Bakony, Marianna Rudas
Cinematography: András Táborosi
Editor: Marianna Rudas
With: Tóbiás Tuza, Éva Tuza, Zoltán Tuza
